Kanye West, he’s the best.

My shining knight to all delight.

He raps, he wrips, he gives me lots of tips!

I am blessed to be in such company. The other day he come over for a big cup of tea and we talked about big stuff. That man is great and we now get on very well.

We talked about really extreme stuff and girlfriends. I told him about the time I walked across this really big marsh – and it was really horrible – and I just walked and walked until I got to this pub by the side of road. It was in the middle of a vast valley, with great hills either side, and there was strong mist floating around my ankles. 

I burst open the door. There she sat, stunning and beautiful. I bustled my way across the floor – oiling like an eel with a stiff shirt, open collar and dashing white shoes. 

I approach. 

She stands. 

My nerves very much shredding as she opens her mouth to say her words to. She says, “we would like 3 shandies and a bottle of milk please”. 

I retreat. I push the order through. 

That bloody waistcoat – darn you to hell!